This is really good. I thought I’d read enough abusive parent personal essays to last a lifetime, but this proves there’s always some juice left in the genre, perhaps in any genre.
Jeez, tough read but excellent post. Sincere thank you, Nick, for sharing this. I kept thinking of the “Fishes” episode of The Bear, which ofc shows how a parent can cook up some formative experiences (in the show’s case food, in yours, the written word) and how some of the painful moments and words can impact the artist’s journey. Grateful you kept writing, through this and perhaps also because of it.
There's so much to say here in response to this powerful, moving, and incredibly beautiful and devastating essay. But I'm gonna just go with a warm and heartfelt "big hugs to Lisa".
I hope you've been able to work with a good therapist who might be able to point out to you that your mother's accusations were a classic example of projection. But oh-so-damaging when coming from a parent!
Oh, yes, learning about projection was perhaps THE turning point. Growing up in my pocket of the American midwest in the 1970s we had lots of spiritual language to explain human behavior, but psychological . . . not so much.
Hope you’ve gotten the help that heals. So many parents have been clueless, mine included. Only took me most of my life in therapy and becoming a therapist myself that saved me.
Obviously I don’t know you and your journey, but I cannot imagine it is healthy to be stewing in those hurtful words, transcribing them, when they are about not you, but a chimera of you that lived in someone else’s imagination.
I had an uncle who lived on Grosse Isle in the late 70s / early 80s. His name was Doug and there was a … ice cream parlor? .. where I would go play Dig Dug and laugh at the irony of playing Dig Dug while visiting Uncle Doug. His wife looked like Rick Ocasek from the Cars, but in a feminine way.
Very interesting when he gets to the part where he details recordings of the lectures of his mother. I lecture to my wife of 30 years that way. Never to her face of course. It’s often done while I’m driving in my car. The truth is, I owe her my life. She knows it and she bullies me. I don’t bully her back to her face like I said, I just go off on long tie rate when I’m driving in my car.
Life is easier that way.
Her 46 year-old daughter hates me. She thinks that I think I’m smarter than she is. I am ADHD/gifted. Those gifts are more of a curse.
This is really good. I thought I’d read enough abusive parent personal essays to last a lifetime, but this proves there’s always some juice left in the genre, perhaps in any genre.
Seems like you put a lot into the fire to keep it burning. And it probably seemed like the right thing to do.
I’m really glad you didn’t throw your whole self in. Gotta keep something for yourself.
Oh yeah, and the reasons I kept the fire burning are so complicated. But that's a whole other story . . .
I can only imagine, but this was a great read despite it being such a grim story
This is astonishing. And also like, your transcriptions of her lectures genuinely are literary? Like something from a Mary Robison novel
And only now can I see them this way. I have 60 pages worth of transcriptions
It's very good (what a weak word here)... and very intimate.
Thank you...
Jeez, tough read but excellent post. Sincere thank you, Nick, for sharing this. I kept thinking of the “Fishes” episode of The Bear, which ofc shows how a parent can cook up some formative experiences (in the show’s case food, in yours, the written word) and how some of the painful moments and words can impact the artist’s journey. Grateful you kept writing, through this and perhaps also because of it.
Thanks, Matt--my mom often accused me of sugar-coating things in my writing. Well, there's a solution to that . . .
There's so much to say here in response to this powerful, moving, and incredibly beautiful and devastating essay. But I'm gonna just go with a warm and heartfelt "big hugs to Lisa".
Yes, Lisa is the secret hero of this saga . . .
I hope you've been able to work with a good therapist who might be able to point out to you that your mother's accusations were a classic example of projection. But oh-so-damaging when coming from a parent!
Oh, yes, learning about projection was perhaps THE turning point. Growing up in my pocket of the American midwest in the 1970s we had lots of spiritual language to explain human behavior, but psychological . . . not so much.
Hope you’ve gotten the help that heals. So many parents have been clueless, mine included. Only took me most of my life in therapy and becoming a therapist myself that saved me.
Great work :)
Yikes. Great essay.
Obviously I don’t know you and your journey, but I cannot imagine it is healthy to be stewing in those hurtful words, transcribing them, when they are about not you, but a chimera of you that lived in someone else’s imagination.
I had an uncle who lived on Grosse Isle in the late 70s / early 80s. His name was Doug and there was a … ice cream parlor? .. where I would go play Dig Dug and laugh at the irony of playing Dig Dug while visiting Uncle Doug. His wife looked like Rick Ocasek from the Cars, but in a feminine way.
I dormed in Kohl Hall at Bowling Green State University on the floor, rumor had it, that Ric Ocasek lived on when he took classes there.
It's hard to have an abusive mother. ❤️
Oof.
Very interesting when he gets to the part where he details recordings of the lectures of his mother. I lecture to my wife of 30 years that way. Never to her face of course. It’s often done while I’m driving in my car. The truth is, I owe her my life. She knows it and she bullies me. I don’t bully her back to her face like I said, I just go off on long tie rate when I’m driving in my car.
Life is easier that way.
Her 46 year-old daughter hates me. She thinks that I think I’m smarter than she is. I am ADHD/gifted. Those gifts are more of a curse.